With all the talk about Chris Brown and Rihanna, I’ve been talking and writing a lot about domestic violence. Chris and Ri were not married, are not related or cohabitating, so their incident comes more accurately under the heading of assault or another term I am hearing a lot of lately –Intimate Partner Violence.

I’ve been trying to broaden the conversation because I have been assaulted by women, and I know how helpless you feel as a man caught up in it. Every man I know has a “crazy bitch” story, as in “that crazy bitch tried to punch/cut/stab/club me. “ I don’t know what happened between Chris Brown and Rihanna, but I know that studies suggest that women instigate these crack-ups more times than we think. I really feel Byron Hurt’s attempt to get at men who abuse women, because we can all agree those “men” are sub-human. But while he wrote out the 10 excuses men use for hitting women, I kept waiting for the women’s list. I’m still waiting. I dig B’s idea, but I think we have addressed the equation from one end for long enough and found that it doesn’t work. The numbers haven’t gone down, and there has been no change. So it may be time for a new approach. Shaming, blaming propping up the double standard and polarizing the conversation doesn’t move it forward. We have to not just acknowledge that women hit men and that it is wrong, but figure out how to stop it. Trying to emphasize he frequency or disparity in the numbers misses the point, since some much of IPV involving women hitting men goes unreported. I think we have to agree that it’s wrong or agree that there is a double-standard.

First, let’s figure out what exactly we’re talking about.

I think there are two types of domestic violence perpetrators: there is the partner using violence as a means to control, diminish and manipulate, and then there is the partner using violence as a secondary language. I’ve been a victim of both, so I can tell you there is a distinct difference, if the net result is the same. The first group of abusers are monsters who, failing rigorous counseling and rehabilitation, should all be shot and killed. But I guess imprisonment would suffice. They are almost always men –women don’t Deebo-up on men like that often, although it does happen infrequently. The second group of abusers—the Reactionists, I call them—are the ones men run across the most. The women who think it’s ok, charming, empowering even—to act out violently. They use violence as a means to gain compliance and communicate contempt, dismay, displeasure, discontent, and dominance. In my experience and in the experience of other men I know, they are almost always black. I’m not generalizing, just reporting. There is not always a problem, but when there is a problem, the problem could turn loud and physical in a heartbeat. And there you are. That’s a tough space to be in. I’m convinced that men need tools and options when met with female aggression.

Women say they should be able to hit men, because they can’t hurt men, but I don’t know that women are any “weaker” than men in fisticuffs. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the average weight for a woman is 163 lbs, and the average man weighs 190 pounds. That’s not a big disparity but outside the UFC, 20+ pounds would put you in another boxing division. So let’s give that women are certainly the lighter sex. But not for nothing, it’s worth pointing out that, at 163 pounds, you can do an awful lot of damage to someone who isn’t fighting back. And attempting to restrain a 163-pounder may require effort that could lead to bruising, which is pretty much a ticket to jail.

When I got attacked by women, I didn’t know what the hell to do (I ended up just taking it), and when I asked around, no one else seemed to either. As a man, you go in thinking everyone knows the rules—that smart boys don’t hit girls and smart girls don’t hit boys– so it’s not a situation you ever expect to find yourself in.

Facing it, what’s a man to do? Well, I got a list. It’s not a catch-all, and your results may vary, but as passive-aggressive means for dealing with violence are concerned, I think it may be a good place to start. So, in no particular order, I give you…

Ten Things Men Can Do When Women Attack

*Leave –make it a non-negotiable, right off-top. Nobody hits anybody. There are too many women in the world to be with a crazy one. And any woman who thinks its OK to hit a man as a means of communication is obviously crazy. So you could just say “fuck it” and leave.

*Walk Away –Merely walking away isn’t always a practical solution, because she may follow you out the door.

EVEN IF SHE FOLLOWS: getting out in the open is important for a few reasons, one of which we’ll get to later.

In the meantime…

*Bob, Weave Protect and Deflect –Arms up, use open palms to deflect kicks and punches. Be moving away from the conflict. Go back later, pack your shit, and leave.

DO NOT PUSH, SHOVE, TRIP, ATTEMPT TO RESTRAIN MOVEMENT OR ENGAGE PHYSICALLY IN ANY WAY, as it may lead to bruising.

*Pepper spray – if I woman comes at you with a blunt object or a weapon, spice up her life a lil bit. Leaving might be a good idea.

PROBLEMATIC BECAUSE: you can’t just go spraying less-lethal chemical agents willy-nilly. She must be brandishing a weapon or a blunt object, and you better be able to prove it. Not for nothing, because this brand of self-defense can be construed as assault, and both of you may go to jail.

For our purposes, let’s assume a woman attacks a man with her hands.

*C all the police –The first moment you can. This is almost never possible. So, if you are retreating into a public space, ask a bystander to call the police. They will help you pack your shit so you can leave.

This particular solution is a gamble and MAY NOT WORK IN YOUR FAVOR BECAUSE: to avoid liability, cops very often MUST take someone to jail. It’s a 50/50 shot that will come down to who has recent bruises and who has the better, best documented story. More the former than the latter.

*File a report – Protect yourself and if you intend to stay in this relationship, it makes a lot of sense. Did she destroy your property? File charges. Start a paper trail. Or just leave –who needs the drama?

*Record the incident – Were you able to tape the incident somehow? File that with the report. Police say this is an invaluable tool to help sort through the suspect/victim statements. After you leave.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? Call your own voicemail and let it roll.

*Are there witnesses? – Encourage witnesses to make statements to police about what they saw while you are leaving.

*Solicit her people for advice. – This is an under-rated, largely untried solution. If the girl has a father in her life, he is probably the one to talk to, because the women will, in all likelihood, be indifferent. So, by “people,” I mean her uncle, her pastor or some male figure she has known a long time that cares about her. This could easily backfire, and lead to you getting your ass kicked by her people. But it seems to me if her men-folk have any sense at all they will try and talk some sense into her. Try this, before leaving.

*Couple’s counseling –but I say that not knowing one couple who have successfully been through it and remained together. However, I think it may be important for a third party to tell that using violence to communicate is wrong. Worth a try, before leaving.

March 24th, 2009 | Uncategorized

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