"maybe you should write about it."

 

it will be a year, today. tomorrow, actually.

How we met, when/why we fell in love, what our life together was like and where it turned to dust are not the kind of details I would share in this space. I wasn’t eager to write about it at all, fearing that I would subject readers to painful, sobbing exposition, like I do in real life. In real life, I have no single word for this loss - I have all of them. LOL. Just the sound of her name sometimes make me faint. I am boring, sullen company, in person, on the page. I do not wish to expose others to that.

After all, people die often — people are dying now. The fact that one of those people was sometime in the recent past, your spouse is only made interesting by the fact that you both work in media, and you worked in media for the same company.  That both of you are public figures of a sort. That some people learned you were married around the same time your spouse expired.  It is interesting, but not for long.

ASIDE: I was in a meeting with a platinum A-list Hollywood agent not two weeks after, and I told him.

“I’m sorry for your loss, but don’t open with that,” he said. “Because nobody cares.” He was not wrong.

If you choose to love someone for life, it should be a love you are prepared to protect for all time. We protected each other, but there were people I could not protect her from.  What I went through is common. But the backstory is not. My wife is legend but the details of her story, however, are horrifying.

When a life comes and goes, so rich with cautionary tales, object lessons and testimony in the face of all evil, if you are writer, a reporter — the spouse — what, exactly is your responsibility? Not for nothing, I am a relic of something greater than me: the keeper of secrets and witness by proxy.  Her story is part of our story, and our story belongs to me. If she were here, and I were not, with everything else equal, all facts in, what would she do?

As dispassionately as possible, she would tell you what she knows. Because if you tell it some, you have to tell it all. And so will I.